Here are some of the best Vladimir Putin jokes to share with others and have a fun time over text or through social media.
Moreover, these include Russian, Ukraine jokes, one liners, and Putin memes.
Take a look below and pick suitable Putin jokes, memes, and riddles that make you and others go LOL. Enjoy!
Table of Contents
Funny Putin One Liners Jokes | Putin Memes |2024
Here are handpicked Putin one liners jokes, quotes, and memes that will pop your mind out. Pick suitable one liner jokes about Putin from below.
In Russia, you don’t vote for Putin…
“Putin votes FOR you.”
I know Russia is corrupt…
“The proof is in the Putin.”
What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?
“Crimea River.”
What did Vladimir Putin think to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?
“Gladimhere Poopin”
Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January
“He Putin his two month notice.”
“Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..But not many people can run two countries at once”
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?
“Mankind.”
Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.
“A piece of Ukraine.”
“I think Putin woke up late today, I saw him Russian to work.”
“Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.”
Russian Jokes One Liners 2024
“In America, you assassinate presidents; in Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!”
“We have no g*y people in Russia; there are homos*xuals but they are not allowed to be g*y about it.”
“In America, your work determines your marks; in Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!”
“Whatever organization we try to create, it always ends up looking like the Communist Party.”
“I like American women; they do things s*xually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.”
“In Russia, a man is called reactionary if he objects to having his property stolen and his wife and children m*rdered.”
I enjoy being in America: it’s fun, you know because you have, you have so many things we never had in Russia — like warning shots.
“In America, you watch Big Brother; in Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches you!”
“Russia’s Economic Woes Outweigh The Universe.”
“In America, you can always find a party; in Russia the party always finds you.“
Russia Puns To Make You Laugh 2024
What is Russia’s favorite imported product?
“Ukraine.”
“Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?
Ukraine: Sure!
Russia: Crimea.
Ukraine: I don’t get it.
Russia: You will never get it.”
Why are people leaving Ukraine?
“I don’t know but they sure are Russian.”
What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?
“The Russian military.”
A Russian walks into a Ukrainian bar…And farts.
The Russian says, “I’m sorry for Putin.”
What do kids in Russia say as they clean their teeth?
“Brussia brussia brussia brussia.”
Why was Russia late to the UN meeting?
“Stalin, as always.”
“I don’t like Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.”
“Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalog. They’re calling it Nyetflix.”
What is the most dangerous job in Russia?
“Opposition party leader.”
In Russia it’s called corruption, In the USA we don’t talk about it.
What is permanent in Soviet Russia?
“Temporary circumstances.”
“In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.
In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.”
What do you call a tree in Russia?
“Dimitree”
What do you call Russia’s dictator when he’s mad?
“Put-out.”
“In Soviet Russia, you rob a bank, In Capitalist America, bank robs you”
Jokes about Vladimir Putin, & Donald Trump (video)
Ukraine Jokes | Sayings | That Will Make You LOL 2024
Here are some of the best Ukraine jokes, one liners, dark humor memes and war puns that will make you go lol. Enjoy!
What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?
“The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.”
What are some pros for Ukraine after losing Crimea to Russia?
“There’s no Crimea in Ukraine.”
What flows through Ukraine and doesn’t care about your feelings?
“Crimea River”
Why should you always wear a belt in Ukraine?
“Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.”
Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine?
“Chernobyl Fall out”
What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?
“They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.”
What is brown and sticky?
“The prime minister of Ukraine’s nose.”
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.
“It’s going to be called ‘Crimea River’.”
“I’m really glad that I wasn’t born in Ukraine. I don’t speak a word of Ukrainian.”
Do you know what is going on in Ukraine?
“Donetsk, don’t tell.”
“WW3 due to Ukraine, The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans’ side. They’ve never won a World War yet.”
What has Trump been doing since his call to the Ukraine?
“He’s Biden his time.”
Trump is reportedly upset that Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.
Oh, Crimea river!
“Driver of a Russian humanitarian aid truck was beaten by Russian soldiers when tried to light a cigarette near cans with beef stew.”
“The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is, It’s improv in the US.”
“According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map. They’re really ahead of their time.”
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?
“They both suffered the loss of one very important port.”
Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.
They say ” It’s just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.
An American & Ukrainian at a public loo.
“The American pulls out his massive cock and declares Buffalo Bill.
The Ukrainian pulls out three enormous cocks and says Chernobyl.”
“Ukrainians got tired of living badly…and decided to live even worse.”
How do you find a Ukrainian?
“With a Geiger counter.”
What is long and hard that a Ukrainian woman gets on her wedding night?
“The last name.”
“I joined a Ukrainian dating site, Now I have a chick in Kiev”
Hilarious Comrade Jokes 2024
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would’ve first tried his theories on dogs.”
“Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!”
“Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn’t have come.”
Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?
Putin: “Yes”
Me: And how many have you collected so far?
Putin: “Three and a half prisons”
My comrades were destroying the brick factory.
I said, “Stop, we need the bricks!”
They replied, “That’s why we’re demolishing it.”
A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, “How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?” The second replies, “I feel the same way you do.”
The first man replies, “Then I’m going to have to report you.”
How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?
“They only take as much blanket as they need.”
Why was the comrade in a hurry?
“Because he was Russian”
You see comrade, there is no I in the team.
“But there is u in the gulag.”
Instead of “guys”, use “comrades” in your talks at conferences.
It’s a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.
I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag…
1 year for insulting a political officer,
30 years for revealing a state secret.
Who is your mother?
“Our great Soviet country.’
Who is your father?
“Our dear comrade Stalin.”
What’s your greatest desire?
“Becoming an orphan.”
What’s up comrade?
“The ceiling”
“I just found out my girlfriend is a communist, I should’ve seen the red flags sooner.”
Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!
Vladimir Jokes | Spy | Memes | 2024
These Vladimir putin jokes and spy memes are amazingly hilarious to have fun with kids and friends.
Trump calls Putin on the phone
Trump says, “You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine”
Putin responds, “Crimea river”
What’s Putin’s favorite song to play for Ukraine?
“Crimea-River”
What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?
“Oh, Crimea river.”
What’s Putin favorite food?
“Ukrainian take away.”
“Trump has fired all his intelligence chiefs. He will be getting all information from its source: Putin.”
“Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician. He makes his opponents disappear.”
“Trump has asked Putin to prove that he never helps Trump.”
“Vladimir Putin’s approval rate is 80%. The other 20% are missing.”
Why did the Russian official commit suicide?
“He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.”
“Never accept tea offered by the Russian President, You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.”
Russian Jokes In English 2024
Here I have compiled these Russia Ukraine jokes in English to go lol and share with others.
In Russia we only had two TV channels: Channel One was propaganda, Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: “Turn back at once to Channel One.”
Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.
“Why are you speaking Ukrainian?” asks one friend. “Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?”
“No,” comes the reply. “I’m afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to ‘protect’ my rights!
Putin is giving a speech to his people
My people, due to West’s sanctions we’ll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
A voice from the crowd: We will work two shifts!
Thank you, you must be a real patriot of our country! And we’ll have to give up western goods and production! We will work three shifts!
Such patriotism for country! By the way, what’s your occupation? I work at a morgue…
A factory worker in a Western country shows his house to his Russian colleague.
“Here’s my room, this one is my wife’s, this is my eldest daughter’s, that’s our dining room, then the guest bedroom…” etc.
The Russian guest nods and says, after a pause:
“Well, it’s basically similar to mine. Only we don’t have the internal walls.”
Two New Russians are driving in a Jeep and see a sign “Traffic police – 100m.” One of them takes out his wallet and begins to count the money. Then he sighs and says “You know what, Vovan, I don’t think we have enough for a hundred cops.”
A New Russian says to an architect:
“I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water.”
“Why would the third one not have any water?”
“Cuz some of my friends can’t swim.”
A journalist interviews Lenin.
“Vladimir Ilyich, how did you come up with the slogan ‘Study, study, and study’?”
“I didn’t come up with anything, I was just trying out a new pen!”
British scientists conducted a 2-week experiment in which they behaved like Russian tourists. As a result, they managed to find out that alcohol is harmful only for the first three days. In the next week, alcohol becomes useful, and later – necessary.
Russian sociologists found that 85% of men, picking up a thread that the vacuum cleaner could not remove from the carpet, again throw it on the floor. This is only done to give the device a second chance.
A sign in a student dining hall: “Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned.”
A Russian visiting India went for an eye check-up.
The Dr. shows the letters on the board “ CZWXNQSTACZ “
Doctor – Can you read this?
Russian – Read ?? I even know the guy…
Americans like to say “Do or die!” The Russians normally opt for “Die, but get it done!” Because even death isn’t an excuse to a Russian superior.
Napoleon attacked Russia but was stopped by the cold. Hitler decided to do the same but was also stopped by the cold. We’re now confident we know why they invented global warming!
Taken from the Customer Complaints log at a small provincial Spanish hotel:
Americans: “What a dreadful hotel. The elevators are full of the stench of cigarette smoke!”
Russians: “What a strange hotel. They won’t let us wear smoking jackets in elevators – just look at that ridiculous sign in English… Hey, at least we’re allowed to smoke.”
I hope you have found these Vladimir Putin jokes fun enough with some hilarious Ukrainian and Russian jokes.
Moreover, check out these memes and riddles on food, animals, and love to get more ideas that suit different moods and situations.
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