When you’re enjoying hot cocoa, opening presents, or being with others, tell them these hilarious Christmas jokes and let them see your humor.
These jokes are insanely fun to make your impression chill in front of people around you.
Pick suitable Christmas jokes for presents, cards, or the elderly.
Hopefully, these holiday jokes will help you have a fun time this Christmas.
Table of Contents
Jokes About Christmas Presents
“My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.”
“I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.”
“I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped Christmas presents. It’s a gift.”
“I bought my husband a pug as a Christmas present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.”
“The sweater my wife got me for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.
So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.”
“The only Christmas gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.”
“When I asked my wife what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.”
“She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.”
Funny Christmas One Liners For Adults
What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
What do a train set and your wife’s breasts have in common?
“They were both made for kids but you can’t help playing with them.”
How does Santa practice safe s*x?
“He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.”
How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
“You do a bunch of work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.”
Why do elves laugh when they run?
“Because the snow tickles their balls.”
Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
“He only comes once a year.”
Related: Dirty Christmas Jokes
What do three ho’s get you?
“One very jolly Santa.”
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
“Because he knows better than to try the back door.”
What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?
“Hits a gnome and runs.”
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
“When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.”
Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
“Because his wife was a total flake.”
Why did the Grinch hit up the liquor store?
“He was desperate for some holiday spirit.”
Hilarious Christmas Jokes Clean
What did the English teacher call Santa’s helpers?
Which of Santa’s friends is the most chill?
How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance?
What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
“His sleigh is flown by raindeer.”
Related: Clean Christmas Jokes
What’s Santa Claus’s favorite type of potato chip?
What is Santa’s primary language?
Why does Santa go down the chimney?
“Because it soots him!”
What is Santa’s favorite kind of candy?
How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas?
“They use Santa-tizer.”
How do you know when Santa’s around?
“You can always sense his presents.”
What was Santa’s favorite subject in school?
Funny Christmas Jokes For The Elderly
One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
“Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”
What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
“Can I visit between the holidays?”
Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
“Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.”
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Related: Funny Corny Christmas Jokes
Why are Christmas trees better than men?
“Even the small ones give satisfaction.”
Why does Santa always land on your roof?
“Because he likes it on top.”
Why is Santa so damn jolly?
“Because he knows where all the naughty women live.”
Why was the snowman smiling?
“He could see the snowblower coming down the street.”
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
“Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.”
“I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks.”
Funny Christmas Jokes For Cards
Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
“To the elf center!”
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
What do fish sing at Christmas time?
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ‘ribbet ribbet’?
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Related: Best Christmas Cracker Jokes
What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
“Is it going to rain dear?!”
How did Scrooge win the football game?
“The Ghost of Christmas passed.”
Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar?
“He got 25 days.”
What do you call an old snowman?
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
“The cold shoulder.”
Funniest Christmas Jokes Of All time
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
“Nothing, it was on the house!”
What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
“Santa walking backward!”
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
“A Christmas quacker.”
Which former president planted the most Christmas trees?
Related: Rude Christmas Jokes
What do they sing to Christmas trees at their retirement parties?
“Fir he’s a jolly good fellow, fir he’s a jolly good fellow…”
What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather?
What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed?
“It started his own branch.”
How do Christmas trees get their email?
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
“He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.”
What’s Santa’s favorite fruit?
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
We hope you had a good time reading this, for more Christmas related content you can check our other blogs as well, Merry Christmas.
Funny Dirty Christmas Memes
Flirty Christmas One Liners
Christmas Riddles For Adults
Christmas Movie Quotes
Best Elf On The Shelf Jokes
Inappropriate Christmas Jokes
Elf Jokes And Puns
Christmas Pun Names
Funny Christmas Sayings
Christmas One Liners Jokes